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알아들을 수 없는 말로 어설프게 사과하지 않으려면 제니퍼 토머스 Jennifer M. Thomas June

친구나 가족 중에 웬만해서는 사과를 하지 않는 사람이 있는가? 어쩌면 사과할 적당한 때를 놓쳐서 그럴지도 모른다. 하지만 과연 그럴까? 문제는 우리에게 자기 잘못을 그럴싸하게 얼버무리려는 선천적인 경향이 있다는 데 있다. 우리가 얼마나 자기중심적이고, 타인의 사정에 무심한지 입 밖으로 꺼내지 않으면 다른 사람들은 눈치 못 챌 것이고 그에 따르는 비난도 피할 수 있을 것이라 생각한다. 하지만 얄궂게도 사실은 그 반대다. 다른 사람들은 우리가 진심으로 “잘못을 인정”하는 것처럼 보이지 않으면 이를 알아채고 용서하기를 꺼린다. 게다가 우리가 어떤 고통을 주었는지조차 깨닫지 못하는 듯 보이면, 그들은 더 깊이 상처를 받는다. 하지만 사과를 표현하는 다양한 언어를 배우면 상대방과 원활하게 의사소통을 하고 상처를 치유하는 데 도움이 될 것이다.

제대로 사과하기 위해서 알아야 할 것은 무엇인가? 나는 남편과 함께 우리가 사과를 할 때 성공하기도 하고 실패하기도 했던 이야기를 나누면서 우리가 사용하는 “사과하는 언어”가 여태까지 서로 달랐음을 깨달았다.

사과의 언어는 어떻게 작동하는가? 사과하려고 여러 차례 시도했지만 상대방이 받아주지 않았던 경험이 있는가? 그것은 아마도 당신이 듣는 사람은 알아들을 수 없는 “언어”로 어설프게 사과를 했기 때문인지도 모른다. 5가지 사과의 언어는 다음과 같다.*

첫 번째 사과의 언어 - 유감을 표현하라: “미안해요.” 당신의 행동이 불러온 고통의 결과를 함께 되짚어 보고 깊이 후회하는 모습을 보여 주라. 덜미를 잡혔기 때문에 어쩔 수 없이 미안해하는 경우는 예외다!

두 번째 사과의 언어 - 책임을 인정하라: “내가 잘못했어요.” 자신의 실수를 밝히고 잘못을 인정하라. “내가 잘못했어요”라고 말하기보다 “당신이 옳아요”라고 말하는 것이 더 쉽지만, 내가 잘못했다고 말하는 것이 더 책임감 있게 들린다.

세 번째 사과의 언어 - 보상─잘못을 바로잡으라: “다시 바로잡으려면 어떻게 해야 될까요?” 당신이 상처를 주었던 사람은 지금 어떤가? 아직도 갚아야 할 빚이 있는가? 어떻게 보상을 해야 할까? 당신이 상처를 입힌 사람이 다시 일어서기 위해 도움을 필요로 하지는 않는가?

네 번째 사과의 언어 - 진실하게 뉘우치라: “다시는 그러지 않을게요.” 참회란 말 그대로 180도 돌아선다는 뜻이다. 변명만 늘어놓지 말고, 문제 해결에 적극 나서라.

다섯 번째 사과의 언어 - 용서를 구하라: “저를 용서해 주시겠어요?” 끈기 있게 용서와 화해를 구하라. 사람들은 단지 시간이 더 필요한 것일 수도 있고, 당신이 말한 네 종류의 사과의 언어에 대해 자세한 설명을 원하는 것일 수도 있다.
가장 효과적으로 사과를 하기 위해서는, 상대방이 사과를 받을 때 가장 주의 깊게 듣는 말이 무엇인지 알아야 한다. 친구와 가족, 직장 동료들의 사과의 언어를 알면 당신은 효과 만점의 사과를 할 수 있는 특별한 기회를 가지게 된다. 특정한 사람에게 맞춰진 사과는 정확하게 그 사람의 마음에 닿아 당신의 진심을 부족함 없이 전달할 것이다.

사과의 언어는 나의 결혼생활에 어떤 영향을 미치는가? 내 남편에게는 정확성과 논쟁에서의 승리가 매우 중요한 일이다. 따라서 남편이 내 사과를 잘 알아들으려면 두 번째 사과의 언어(“내가 잘못했어요”)가 반드시 들어 있어야 한다. 반대로, 내게는 감정이 제일 중요하다. 남편이 가장 하기 힘든 사과(두 번째 사과의 언어, “내가 잘못했어요”)를 한다고 해도 나는 여전히 남편이 나의 감정을 헤아리는 말(첫 번째 사과의 언어, “미안해요”)을 해주기를 바란다. 우리 부부는 결혼 생활 15년 만에 드디어 각자의 언어가 아니라 배우자가 알아듣는 언어로 사과를 함으로써 말싸움을 줄이는 방법을 배워 가고 있다.

귀띔 한마디: 상대방의 “사과의 언어”를 모를 경우, 만반의 준비를 하고 더 많이 노력하라. 5가지 사과의 언어를 모두 적용하다 보면, 상대방의 귀에 기분 좋게 들리는 말이 무엇인지 알게 될 것이다.

나는 자녀들에게도 사과를 해 본 적이 있다. 언젠가, 만들기를 좋아하는 여섯 살짜리 딸아이가 동네 할인점에서 색유리 공예 세트(a sun-catcher kit)를 발견하고는 무척 기뻐했다. 아이는 그걸 들고 자기 방으로 달려가더니 한 시간 뒤, 알록달록한 플라스틱 조각이 정성스레 매달린 공예품을 들고 나타났다. 아이는 자기가 만든 작품을 프라이팬에 눕혀놓고 내가 구워 주길 기다렸지만, 나는 위층에서 연구 프로젝트로 바빴다. 딸아이는 내가 시간이 날 때까지 화장실 세면대 위에 자기의 보물이 담긴 프라이팬을 놓아두는 데 동의했다. 하지만 어이없게도 우리 집 꼬마 악동이 그 프라이팬을 발견하고는 뒤집어엎어 버렸다. 딸아이는 마음에 크게 상처를 입었다. 아이는 내가 두 팔로 자기를 꼭 끌어 안아주는 것도 싫다고 마다했지만, 나는 내 마음이 얼마나 아픈지, 딸아이를 얼마나 사랑하는지 보여 주고 싶었다. 그래서 딸아이를 끌어안고는 딸아이가 아름다운 작품을 완성하도록 지켜주지 못해 정말 미안하다고 말해 주었다.

내가 아이의 작품을 망칠 의도가 전혀 없었다 하더라도 일의 결과에 대해서는 책임을 지는 것이 중요하다. 막내아들이 다치지 않도록 보호하는 것은 물론, 딸아이가 작품을 다시 만들도록 도와주어야 했다.

진심어린 사과는 소중한 선물이다. 진심어린 사과는 그것을 받는 사람에게 자신이 가치 있는 사람이라는 느낌을 전해 준다. 게다가 진정한 용서와 화해로 가는 길에 놓인 장애물을 없애 준다. 투명하고 겸손하며 대담한 사과로 다른 사람들을 놀라게 만드는 당신이 되기를 바란다!

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